Over the weekend while the world was abuzz with fireworks, champagne, and a collective good riddance to all that was 2016, I found myself experiencing unfamiliar feelings.
As I shared a few weeks ago, the promise of a new year + new beginning has always left me feeling a bit remorseful. For most of my twenties, that countdown to midnight felt like a tangible tick-tock tick-tock on the productive years of my life. While everyone around me seemed to be cheering on the goodbye and the hello, all I knew was the regret of declining to reach out and greet the passing year at all.
Sure. I had my best friend (read: husband), the one who loved me through my insecurities and New Year’s Day moodiness. I had my beautiful children, who brought to my world so much joy that it could hurt if I lost myself in it for too long. But year after year, the same feelings brewed beneath the gratitude:
Why was I sent here? What is my purpose? What if I run out of time before I ever have the courage to figure it out?
But this New Year’s Eve was different, because 2016 was the year I decided to dig down deep. Muster the courage that I had forgotten. I was going to take a risk, and along the way, I discovered the courage to become fulfilled.
It might seem self-indulgent, to admit that this little blog I launched one year ago gave me breath and gave me purpose. But it did.
This blog has saved my life.
You, my dear reader, have saved my life.
Because over the past year I have come to understand that any fire burning within us will rage on unattended, despite our best intentions to ignore it, until only ashes remain.
My fire was an untold story. And I was ashes. I was dust.
Yet amidst the ruin of neglect I found an ember, somehow smoldering. I nurtured it, the way a mother instinctively knows to nurture her children. I believed in it,
even especially when I felt afraid. And last February when I thought perhaps that cancer was infiltrating my body and that my life might be coming to an end, I breathed oxygen into that ember as though my life depended on it. Because it did.
I wrote and worked and pushed and failed and dreamed for fifty-two weeks until only hours of the year remained. As I watched my children holding tightly to sparklers, I realized that it is never, ever too late to reach out and take hold of the light within us.
And do you know what happened? This New Year’s Eve I was encompassed by a glow that I had never known. A light that I was born with — that we all are born with — but had forgotten to seek. And when it was time to chant out that countdown and goodbye to 2016, for the first time in a long time, I did so with tears of happiness rolling down my cheeks.
It’s no coincidence, my friend, that things have come full circle in my life, just as it is no coincidence that you are here. As I celebrate one year of MamaCentric, I feel prepared to follow where I am led in this new year.
I am ready to share the light with the mom who sometimes feels alone and unfulfilled.
Who knows she has a purpose, but wants to live with it more intimately.
Who desires to soak in this season of motherhood, but is often too stressed to enjoy it.
Who sees a world writhing in its busyness, and worries for her children’s future.
Who wants to connect her body to her spirit, but struggles to find peace.
Who believes in harmony, but does not feel it.
Who has forgotten that she can write her own song to sing.
At conception, MamaCentric was about building a community centered around mothers, but truthfully, I ended up building up all of the pieces that were missing within me. And so it doesn’t feel right to move forward here in this space anymore, which is why I am redesigning this space entirely.
New name. New look. New purpose.
I am grateful to each of you who have taken a moment to read along with me this year. Never did I imagine that putting words to print would lead to so many genuine friendships. While I used to believe that there wasn’t enough room in the universe for my stories, because so many beautiful stories were already being told, I have come to realize that there is a place for each of us.
For those of you who have come to trust my voice, (and what a humbling experience it has been), please know that this will not change. I will continue to speak about my experience with motherhood, matters of the soul, and healing through the trauma of our past.
Yet I would also like to share more of my home life with you. What it means to me to be a slow living, home educating, happiness seeker. Over the next two weeks I will be hard at work designing the new site, but don’t worry, we can keep in touch in my Facebook Community and on Instagram. I cannot wait to share the new space with you! I hope and pray you’ll stick around and that the work I intend to do this year will add value to your life as a woman and mother.
love + light,